Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Tired

Tired of compartmentalizing
my heart from my head
Tired of all these boxes
Neat little rows of emotions
That I take out and put away
according to the situation
Tired of being told what to do,
what to say, what to feel
Tired of waiting, being told to
be patient
Tired of listening, thinking, feeling
Tired

Monday, March 28, 2005

If only

I want to diffuse myself into the night sky
to be a star
Cold and distant light
I want to be plastic
to be hard and strong
Impenetrable
I want to be the ice
Shattered but unyielding
Instead I am here and not
high in the sky, looking down
at a safe distance
Instead I deteriorate
and am broken down
by the earth's pressure
Instead I melt
and drip my tears into the dirt
disappearing

Monday, March 21, 2005

Dreams of Gitchigumi

I imagine myself
In a row boat
Far out past the horizon
In the cold gray fog of Lake Superior
I lay there and feel the clouds kiss my skin
Rocking on a wave
Drifting

I imagine myself
Sinking into the cold black water
With my eyes open wide
Feeling the ice sink into my bones
Looking around
Swirling tiny bubbles
Weightless

I imagine myself
Sitting on the bottom
Feet pressed firmly in the sand
Looking up at miles of water and air
Listening to the voice of the whispering water
Watching the ancient secrets unfold
Before my eyes
Dreams

I imagine myself
A dreamer asleep
Safe in another world
Wrapped in memories and hope
Feeling the water flow by
Lying in the bottom of the lake
Wide awake in life

Saturday, March 19, 2005

On the outside looking in

Tearing up tiny pieces of paper
Letting them blow away in the wind
Letting them mix with the snow flakes
My own version of shaking the snow globe
I am falling down the rabbit hole
I am looking through the looking glass
Waking up from a very strange dream
Could it be that all this time
I've been calling the color red
yellow?
That the flowers do not smell
But the stars shining at night
do?
My soul has shaken itself
My heart is yelling in my ears
My blood churns in my brain
And I am still recovering

Today

I believe in miracles.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Why I've stopped trying to plan

An old hindu parable:

Dry leaf and mud pie were married. They wanted to make a journey. The journey was long, arduous, and dangerous. They agreed that if they worked together they would make it. Dry leaf said to mud pie: "This trip is dangerous. If the rains come they will pour down on you and wash you away. When the rains come I will lie on top of you and protect you from getting wet. That way you will survive and we can continue on." Mud pie said to dry leaf " I agree, this trip is frought with danger. If the strong winds come they will wisk you up and blow you far away. When the strong winds blow I will lie on top of you and protect you from the winds. That way you can stay with me and we will continue on. They both agreed that this was a very good plan indeed and set out on their journey. After a few days the monsoons came and dry leaf laid upon mudpie and protected him from the rains. They continued on. A few days later a great gust of wind came upon them. Mudpie laid upon dry leaf and she did not get blown away. They continued on. They were pleased at how well their plan was working. The next day the rains poured down and the winds blew hard and strong. Dry leaf was blown far, far away to the ends of the earth and mudpie was washed out to sea. The moral of the story: Never rely upon your plans, life is unpredictable, things change, and you may find yourself washed out at sea or blown to the horizon.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Seeking

"Too young to hold on, too old to just break free and run"- Jeff Buckley

Fire in my lungs
Burning my lips as the words come flaming out
Questions
Words, only words
Changing the universe around me
Changing the way the wind blows in the trees
I am a brick sinking in the water
I am the black birds flying across the plains
Searching for answers
That might not be there
Where is my truth?
I want to sink myself in love
I want to let go and blow with the wind
What is holding me back?
What is pushing me forward?
I ask the river, the trees, the heavens
Silence is whispered back
I strain my ears
Silence

Sunday, March 13, 2005

The importance of hope

I had a really crappy day yesterday. The patient I was taking care of was dying. I don't suspect he made it through the night. I spent the whole day at his bedside while he flailed in confusion and fright. He was afraid to die. He pleaded to me with his eyes. I was helpless and could only sit there and hold his hand and tell him everything would be alright. Another patient kept having chest pain. Later he couldn't breathe and was crying. There is nothing more humbling than having a grown man cry and ask you to please teach him how to breathe so that he could catch his breath. All the while his wife of 57 years is watching and trying to be strong for her husband even though you can see it is killing her that things are not getting better. Asking me isn't there anything else you can do? After a day like that I felt pretty useless as a nurse. Here I am, supposedly with skills to help save lives, but in both cases there was nothing I could do. Sometimes you just feel like nothing you do in life matters. Sometimes you just want to give up and give in. After contemplating this for a while a homily I heard a while back came to mind. It is about the power of hope. I just thought that I would share it.

A study was performed a while back (before animal activism was around I'm guessing) where a researcher wanted to find out how long it would take for a rat to die if put in a vat of water with no way out (very cruel, I know). He placed a bunch of rats in this bowl filled partially with water. He timed how long it took them to drown. 17 minutes. Again he placed rats in the vat with water. This time he took them out at 16 minutes, dried them off, gave them some food, and let them rest for the night. The next day he placed them back in the vat of water and timed how long it took for them to drown. This time it took 36 hours. The rats had learned hope.
So I guess the point of this story is this: hope has immeasurable power. Yesterday sucked, I wanted to give up my career as a nurse. Today I hope that the next time I will be able to help. I guess I can only hope.

Friday, March 11, 2005

Running at dusk

My heart is pounding as I look to the sky
Clouds broken by a cat's paw
Claw marks revealing heaven
Cerulean blue scratches in the sky
My hear races as the music streams in my veins
I can feel my muscles flex and release
Flex and release
As the music flows in cell by cell
The wind pulls my hair
Gently tugs it strand by strand
In it's long and cold fingers
I am pounding the earth into my soul
Step by step I am grinding it in
Sinking deeper and deeper into its rhythm
I am breathing in the colors of the sunset
The fading light pulls me to the horizon
I can feel the heart of the sun pounding in my chest
Urging me on
I do not stop

Thursday, March 10, 2005

For a lack of something creative to say

This is a poem by Rumi, an old poet from the 1200 or 1300's. It's one of my favorites.

THE SHIP SUNK IN LOVE
Should Love's heart rejoice unless I burn?
For my heart is Love's dwelling.
If You will burn Your house, burn it, Love!
Who will say, 'It's not allowed'?
Burn this house thoroughly!
The lover's house improves with fire.
From now on I will make burning my aim,
From now on I will make burning my aim,
for I am like the candle: burning only makes me brighter.
Abandon sleep tonight; traverse for one night
the region of the sleepless.
Look upon these lovers who have become distraught
and like moths have died in union with the One Beloved.
Look upon this ship of God's creatures
and see how it is sunk in Love.

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Something that occurred to me...

Dawn is breaking on the opposite horizon
But the moon still shines brightly
A porthole from another universe
Children peering in at this curious place
A place with concrete for rocks and mountains
A place with jets instead of falcons
A place where cars run by
Instead of deer and bison
A place where bombs explode and destoy
Instead of love consuming and building
A place where time never slows
Only becomes faster and shorter
They look upon this silly place and giggle
They know better

Tuesday, March 08, 2005


This is what you miss when you stay on the beaten path... Posted by Hello

Monday, March 07, 2005

On the road

I'm going to place my rubber soles on the black tar and run
I'm going to fly and let the wind blow through my hair
I'm going throw my thoughts at the stars and watch them
Streak across the sky
I'm going to let the silence blare in my ears
I am going to let the pitch black of night
sing me to sleep
I am going soak my bones in the sweet, wet smell of pine trees
I am going to dive into the living earth
and shake this city dirt off of my mind
I am going to wake up and breathe

Sunday, March 06, 2005

My oh my

"The world's got me dizzy again, you think after 23 years I'd be used to the spin, and it only feels worse when I stay in one place so I'm always pacing around or walking away..." - Bright eyes

I am now another year older, it's funny to me how one day can mark the passing of such an event, how somehow this one day magically changes a number that defines part of you and suddenly the entire world views you differently. I went out last night with some friends to the same old bar. Going to the bar has recently become a saddening propostion. We were out dancing and suddenly the world became stunningly clear. I looked around and all I saw was the rawness of humanity around me. Everyone looked tired, old, depesperate. If I had to have a mental image of hell, this is what it would be like. What were we all looking for in this place? Everyone seemed to be silently screaming out at the top of thier lungs, asking to be understood, begging for something that they were missing. But no one said anything, no one cared to ask. They just took another shot, drowning, gasping for air from spending too much time on the surface. It made me sad in the way that truth can sometimes make you sad. Sometimes you just have to let go to get anywhere.

Friday, March 04, 2005

On the eve of another year

I am lying here on my bed tonight
Thinking of the past year
the anniversary of something that happened in the past
However, I do not greet this realization with joy
or upon further contemplation, even sorrow
no tonight i lay here in a pool of memories
With my guitar
Stumming the same string over and over
feeling the music vibrate through me
letting the sound go on and on
with my eyes shut
because that is all i can handle for tonight

Thursday, March 03, 2005

Soul song

I am a mountain
Standing tall and strong
Shifting tectonic plates may tumble me
at any instant
Yet I stand, stoically, firmly
Radiating life

I am the ocean
Deep and vast and wide
Filled with the tears of a thousand generations
Filled with mystery and wonder
My surface choppy, smooth, or rolling
I am radiating life

I am the night sky
Dark and calm
Wrapping myself in a blanket
of soothing emptiness
Hidden within me are the jewels
of milleniums long past
But still they shine
Bringing forth radiating life

I am the dirt
I am earthy and bitter
I nourish and I take away
I break down the past
And wipe the slate clean
for the future
I am soft and hard
I yield and I deny
I am the smell of life

I am nothing
I hold within me everything
I am the promise of something
Words not yet spoken
But I am still nothing
I do not exist and exist completely
In one moment
Within me is life
Within me death
Within me is the promise of dreams

When confusion hits

What's going on in my head?
The storm that's been brewing
Caught me in its wind
I gotta hit the road and clear
Some of these ghosts out of my head
But I keep getting tossed to the ground
I keep being kicked around
I can't seem to see
Past the horizon
My eyes are bleary
And my heart is dizzy
What am I doing?
I've lost my limbs
I lie limp
The sand is flying in my eyes
It drives itself into my heart
I am blind
And I just can't seem to find my way

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

In memory of a past existence

Dreams of lights climbing
ladders in the sky
Dreams of lovers arms
only felt in sleep
Dreams of words that are
solid and real
Dreams of souls that intertwine
and become indistinguishable
Dreams of summer breeze blowing
sweet memories around in my head
Dreams of tangible and real
found in my imagination
Dreams of swirling clouds
white and transparent
wrap me up in condensed life

A new day

After much thought (or perhaps none at all, sometimes I'm a pathological liar) I have decided to post this. After a long and amazing talk with a good friend I decided to share my poetry. Most of it makes little to no sense. Most of the time I make little to no sense, that's why it works. Anyways, even if no one ever reads this, I have put it at the mercy of the tidal flow of this new fandangled internet thing. So here it goes, wish me luck.